The other night I was attending a celebration that brought my wife and me back in touch with some folks with whom we have enjoyed a connection over the years. We were seated at a table of people we knew and during dinner I learned that a former colleague of mine was moving her mother and father into her home that she shares with her sister. As you might have guessed, this is not a new phenomenon…
But an increasingly common occurrence as baby-boomers moving into their autumn years and their children must now grapple with the costs and complexities of their care.
In fact, nearly everyone at our table was now or has in the past faced the very situation my colleague is confronting.
Only yesterday did an article surface in the Wall Street Journal describing the challenges increasingly faced by millennials as they place their own life and careers on hold while they assume a primary role of caring for their parent or parents who struggle with debilitating diseases such as Parkinson’s and dementia related ailments. There are multiple reasons for the necessity of children who must become caregivers; it may be the result of limitations in the current health care system, the level of medical care now available and sought, or the cost of staffing and services necessary to maintain a stable quality of living.
This of course, struck a chord with me as we recognized what would have been my father’s 100th birthday this past week. Significant also because we were privileged to care for our parents in our own home over the course of several years. We had the luxury of near-perfect parents, whose desire to assist us in the endeavor as much as possible never wavered and whose attitude was always cooperative, and I should add, whose medical care was manageable almost to the very end.
But there’s a bigger picture to examine here and a deeper lesson from the Scriptures to unpack.
Consider for example, the Ruth of the Bible, who accompanies her mother in law back home to Israel, where she willingly commits herself to the God of her new family and the care of the mother who is not her own– all the while fighting her own fears and uncertainty about her future.
But certainly there is more. My mind often returns to a very tender moment where Jesus, hanging in agony on the cross, systematically unpacks the prophetic fulfillment, spiritual counsel and practical concerns of those dying around him and those observing the horror of it all. And then, he looks down to his mother and his closest companion on earth, the Apostle John and offers the most tender of moments…
Woman, behold your son… and then… to the disciple, Behold your mother.
And I love what follows immediately in the text of all three synoptics:
From that hour, the disciple took her into his own household.
In that most moving account, Mary moved from friend to family and its likely remained in his home until her death. And because of this closeness, we may be privy to details of the gospel narrative that came out of extended conversations over coffee that found their way into the pages of the Scripture.
I think finally of Peter, his wife, and her mother, who according to the gospel record, laid with a fever in Peter’s home until the Savior moved quickly to raise her from her affliction. While I would be the first to concede that the point of the passage is not the familial situation in Peter’s home, it is nevertheless helpful to know that even amidst the challenges and commitments of these disciples “in training”, that Peter has not surrendered a responsibility to care for his family– even dare say, his mother-in-law.
Here’s a staggering thought– the independence that we all crave especially as we age, is a fleeting commodity and for most people, an ideal that will be challenged by disease, accidents, or unforeseen circumstances.
Before I leave this setting there is one more observation that requires honorable mention. Having been raised from this debilitating fever, Peter’s mother is able to recover quickly and return to her practice of serving others. The totality of the gospel record suggests that this is an active, others-minded woman, who still enjoys serving:
And she got up and waited on him… (Matthew 8), And she waited on them… (Mark 1:31)
Our final years with my parents were filled with the joys of fellowship and the many acts of service that were offered by them; service that made a difference economically, acts of kindness that graced our family, and random acts of selflessness that my children still talk about today.
Now, I’ll be the first to admit that this kind of arrangement does not work for some, either because of the physical limitations of the home, the medical challenges facing the parent(s) or the troubled history of the family dynamic. Yep, I get it, sometimes there are grumpy old men (and women), and selfish, self-absorbed children, but if by chance God’s grace can prevail, it just may be the source of some of the greatest blessings a family will ever enjoy this side of heaven.
MJC
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