A Mother’s day without Dad

A Widow’s big hurt

In thinking about Mother’s Day this year, a couple of realities have collided in me. First, there is the realization that my own mother is absent from my world, as is my wife’s mother, and while accepted, it remains a huge black-hole in our lives. And then there is the reality that confronted me from an exposition of I Timothy 5, where the discussion is of widows and how to care for them. And so, I began to think about all the widows I know and I discovered that the list is long. Because my own mother died before my father and because his passing was a mere ten days after mom’s death, widowhood was not an issue for either of my parents but I realize that within our church and most churches, the pain of separation has been brutal, and brutal too was the speed at which many become widows when illnesses moved from first discovered to fatal. Miriam Neff writes,

Imagine a single event that will dramatically change your calendar, your checkbook, your friendship network, the contents of your refrigerator, the temperature you set your thermostat, your outlook on the future, and your connection with your children. And that’s not all, your appearance may change, your emotions, your sleep patterns, your theology, your social status, and possibly your address (Neff: pg. 11).

No one plans to be a widow. As Neff reflects, “It just happens.”

Unlike other turning points in life such as marriage, divorce, becoming a parent, changing a career, the reality of widowhood lands heavy, hard, and unexpected on us.

I was unaware of the magnitude of the event. In fact, some 800,000 people become widows/ widowers each year in the United States. What then do I have to offer such a growing demographic that might make their journey through a widow’s desert experience more bearable, and for those who wish to help, a more informed and compassionate reach into a hurting person’s life.

First we must recognize the intense emotions connected with becoming a widow. Those emotions must be acknowledged and then harnessed to help the hurting one navigate the new journey that is largely a personal one. They involve the presence of grief, which for some begins before the spouse has died. This grief is personal to them, is unique to them and always messy. It is best handled through a combination of solitude and selected confidants– people who aren’t interested in directing the widow’s life, but being present for the journey back toward wholeness.

And then, we must acknowledge the depression that descends upon most widows soon after the death of the spouse. One-third of women will meet the criteria for clinical depression within two months of the death of their spouse. And one year later, half of those remain in that state. What should the hurting person do?

• Breathe easier– the depression is normal, You’re not losing your mind
• Breathe regularly– the depression is manageable and can be navigated successfully in time.
• Breathe deeply– the depression is treatable which means there is a way out.

And yes, the Bible has something to say about breathing deeply. As believers, while we are subjected to the same life experiences as those who have no relationship with Jesus Christ, those who belong to Christ, carry in them the reality and profound significance of hope. The Apostle Paul writes,

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

We have not been removed from the struggles of death, but the mechanism for moving through it is enhanced by the presence of biblical hope. Our grieving as believers reflects a different mindset at work; a three-fold encouragement of a caring savior who understands death, a future promise of conquering death, and the presence of the Holy Spirit who sympathizes with our pain.

And there is this–

You (God) have kept record of my days of wandering, you have stored my tears in your bottle, and counted each of them (Psalm 56:8).

The God who loves us, understands us, and died for us, also keeps all of our tears close to himself where they can be used for our encouragement. My tears and your tears are important to Him, long after our earthly friends stop calling and stop asking, “how are you doing?”

I know the challenges, we want…

Someone to change the circumstances– no one can

Someone to fix the past– no one will

Someone to create a new future that is worth living– no one person can do that

But as I move closer to Mother’s Day, I’m encouraged by all that God can do:

1. For the widowed— God has not left you, nor forsaken you, and clearly has a plan for your life, even when the details have not yet come into focus.
2. For the married— I’m reminded that the moments I spend with my spouse are priceless, precious, and necessary points of interaction where God’s blessings are celebrated and the joy of togetherness are opportunities for ceaseless praise.
3. For the church— I’m convinced that the church, yes the local church has a role to play in the life of widows. The Scripture gives us reason, gives us cause, and gives us an opportunity to enter the lives of those who are hurting, if only to recapture a burden for impacting the world around us, that in death, the widow might see life through the eyes of Jesus Christ.

Walk wisely,

MJC.